SO OVER

Okay I know I haven’t written in a long time, but I’ve been busy. First things first. I broke up with Drew(IKR!) I’ve waited all this time and obsessed over it, but he’s just not the one for me. Plus I just can’t do the whole boyfriend thing right now.

But in that five day time span of our relationship I was inspired with a new book idea: a girl using her boyfriend just to have a boyfriend status and in one of her sleepless nights of agonizing over feeling bad and guilty, she gets up and decides to go on a walk and meets this guy, and they just randomly go off and talk(nothing bad happens to her), but that’s all I’m giving you.

My love for fashion(recently brought back)inspired me to take down my old Twilight posters and put up pages ripped out of my old collections of Teen Vogue and made a collage on my wall in my smaller room where Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner use to be. Those posters needed to come down way before the collage happened. And with that, I organized my closet and put things like Cardigans and dresses together, and dress shirts over a simple graphic tee or whatever, then matched up my jewelry with it.

{something just happened that pissed me the fuck off so I’m listening to KoRN to blow off steam}

I discovered some new music by way of Pandora in the last couple of days, and I just started the 5th season of Gossip Girl like three days ago. I’m kind of excited for it to show, but I just realized it coincides with my regular Monday Tv sched(Pretty Little Liars, the Lying Game, Being Human{changes with the seasons}),  but I’ll still watch it online, which is not as effective, but it’ll have to do.

Big NEWS!

Something so monumental happened today that I had to write about it, for the sole fact that you might care what it is.

I’ve got a boyfriend! And I know you’re thinking it was the somebody that started with a D in my recent posts, AND YOU’RE RIGHT! It is DREW! Smile On the ride home on the bus he sat with me and my friends kept dropping hints and pressuring him into asking and he asked me in a weird way“Do you know what they’re talking about?” I said yes, he said “What would your answer be, yes or no?”( My heart was pounding the whole time, my body was wired up, it was embarrassing, but kinda sweet when you look back on it )

I can’t believe how weird it feels, yet how good at the same time! I haven’t had a boyfriend since Freshman year and it’s like really awkward, but I like it!

I was just looking back on my past relationships and how different if felt for each one. Some I immediately regretted after I said yes, some it lasted then faded as quickly as it started( more like they all did ), but even though I’m really nervous about this one, I smile every time I think about him and my heart fills a little heavier and sunken. I close my eyes and picture him, wrapped around me, kissing me neck and me laughing and being embarrassed because he could do that to me. I know this is real.

A cute little fact: We were matching today, he walked me home, it was freezing and snowing and he didn’t have a jacket on!

Sucked Back In

The day started off okay, I kept repeating “I’m over Drew”
in my head, then realized I had to convince myself by repeating it.

My heart is like breaking over Drew! Yesterday I said I was over him and I saw him today and he looked cute, he was wearing my favorite colors and he looked really cute and I fell all over again. I don’t have a chance at beating this if I can’t fully commit. I’m on the verge of tears because he keeps talking and sitting with that ugly fish girl and he sat in front of me today, knowing well enough she would sit there. I pretended like I was reading, waiting for Kimberly to get on the bus, to distract me, to be one of my best friends. I could tell she knew what I was thinking on the whole ride home. When he said bye to me when I was getting off the bus I said "Whatever, bitch!" Like five seconds after I got off the bus I regretted it, then realized I said what I really felt without thinking. So now I’m sitting here in my dean, listening to sad music and crying, hoping that my grandma would just decide to move to Georgia with my uncle so I wouldn’t have to deal with this bullshit anymore. If we moved I’d be forced to forget and move on. I wouldn’t feel this way about Drew and  I wouldn’t feel heartbroken all the time. I would be away from all my family and friends, but that wouldn’t matter because I was away from him. I love him too much and it’s ruining me. I shouldn’t be this broken all the time over one guy. I’m only 17. Times like these I just wished I could fast forward to when I get into college. I’ll be at Full Sail and everything would be done and forgotten, and I’ll be focused on my college career, and making new friends and starting a new life. But sadly that won’t happen, I’m still here in the present and I have tomorrow and Drew to face. All I can do right now is cry my heart out and wish that things were different, and face reality. None of this would’ve happened if I had told him how I felt in the beginning and stopped worrying about getting my heart broken again, but it’s too late for that. Things happened this way because the very first guy I loved( and it was real for me )did something so wrong to me to make me contemplate suicide( it wasn’t rape or anything ). I remember vividly that Friday I went home from Upward Bound, waited until my grandma left, and cried my eyes out for about an hour and a half, then went downstairs and looked at the cutting board for about ten minutes. I would’ve been so easy, just to do it. It would only hurt for a small amount of time compared to a life time of heartache. Don’t worry, I’m not thinking about suicide now, I’m just feeling numb and heart sick, and wish I had my mommy to talk to( I live with my grandma, mom stays in town, we’re close, but she has told me not to cry over boys before so I don’t feel comfortable talking to her, she wouldn’t be the mom I wanted her to be in that moment. She wouldn’t hold me and tell me it would be alright while stroking my hair. She’d tell me get over it and move on )

Times like this is when I wish I had a sister my age( my big sister would tell me the same thing my mom would, so I really have no one to talk to about these things. My grandma would say I’m being silly and tell me to pray and I don’t want to talk to her anyway, she’s too nasty of a person ) Once again, I contemplate getting another therapist. Those couple years back I dreaded going to therapy, but my granny insisted that I go because my mom was in and out and on drugs( she’s cleaned her life up and is a big Christian now ), even though I told her I understood she still made me go. Now I just wish I kept going even when everything was alright, I’d have somebody I’d trust to talk to, even if they had to judge me, they’d still be there. ( I’d tell my friends, but I know their sick of hearing about how I feel over the same guy and they don’t really understand, the only person that really understands is Kimberly because she’s seen firsthand what it’s like for me, being that she rides our bus and is in two of the classes Drew and I have together )

#ReallyBitch?!

OMG! The funniest thing happened today in English. This girl named A, yes one of the same girls from my older post about the Facebook conflict, called me a, and excuse me if I didn’t get this right, because the bitch was mumbling under her breath, “Fucking whore”

Wait-what the bitch say?! First of all, who are you to call me a “FW”? I’m still a virgin, and so are all of my other holes! Second of all, you’re calling me of all people a whore? ME? I’m the one that just about always has my head down in a book, I don’t really say anything smart back to anyone except for my friends when we’re kidding around. So what does that make you look like? I could tell her friends were thinking it, because they know my character and they were real quite when she mumbled it.

Third of all, Why the FUCK DIDN’T YOU SAY IT TO MY FACE WHEN WE WERE ARGUING BITCH?! She’s one of those loud mouth, ghetto, always picking a fight, black girls, we use to be like best friends in like 5th grade. That was before she got all, well, LOUD! Anybody who knows me knows I’m not a fighter and I don’t have a smart mouth, but she really pissed me off. About what is not important, what’s important is that the bitch pissed me off! Like not that many people like her because she’s such a bitch, but she thinks she has so many friends, but I bet they all talk about her behind her back. Or at least, they use to when I was friends with them.

So over it!

Over break I didn’t really write a lot, not because I didn’t have the chance, only because I was working on my book, I barely got any reading done, most of it was for English( what a boring book ), but the top reason for my not writing was because it was vacation and I was just relaxing, trying not to think about all of the stuff I think about while I’m in school.Here’s my piece:

So last night after 1 in the morning when I couldn’t go to bed, I was up thinking about Drew amongst other things. Now I wish I hadn’t wasted all that precious sleeping time that I’ll never get back. UGH! I got back to school and the first thing I see is his stupid rapist moustache( lol ) and he’s talking to fish girl! WTF? Really, dude?

I’m right here, and I’m smoking hot! Would he really rather spend time with her and sit with her on the bus than be with me? Well, I’m so over it! I’m over his bullshit and I’m moving on and not looking back!

I spent New Year’s Eve thinking about us and how much I wished he was with us downtown, but he never showed. I’m more mad at myself than at him because I wasted over a year on him. I don’t even know why I like him anymore, he’s changed so much from what I first liked and I don’t like that.

Anyway, earlier today I said I was going to give him tomorrow and see how I feel after, but I’m threw giving him imaginary chances. I’m not putting myself out there for him, because I want something more than what he can offer. That’s just how it is.