The day started off okay, I kept repeating “I’m over Drew”
in my head, then realized I had to convince myself by repeating it.
My heart is like breaking over Drew! Yesterday I said I was over him and I saw him today and he looked cute, he was wearing my favorite colors and he looked really cute and I fell all over again. I don’t have a chance at beating this if I can’t fully commit. I’m on the verge of tears because he keeps talking and sitting with that ugly fish girl and he sat in front of me today, knowing well enough she would sit there. I pretended like I was reading, waiting for Kimberly to get on the bus, to distract me, to be one of my best friends. I could tell she knew what I was thinking on the whole ride home. When he said bye to me when I was getting off the bus I said "Whatever, bitch!" Like five seconds after I got off the bus I regretted it, then realized I said what I really felt without thinking. So now I’m sitting here in my dean, listening to sad music and crying, hoping that my grandma would just decide to move to Georgia with my uncle so I wouldn’t have to deal with this bullshit anymore. If we moved I’d be forced to forget and move on. I wouldn’t feel this way about Drew and I wouldn’t feel heartbroken all the time. I would be away from all my family and friends, but that wouldn’t matter because I was away from him. I love him too much and it’s ruining me. I shouldn’t be this broken all the time over one guy. I’m only 17. Times like these I just wished I could fast forward to when I get into college. I’ll be at Full Sail and everything would be done and forgotten, and I’ll be focused on my college career, and making new friends and starting a new life. But sadly that won’t happen, I’m still here in the present and I have tomorrow and Drew to face. All I can do right now is cry my heart out and wish that things were different, and face reality. None of this would’ve happened if I had told him how I felt in the beginning and stopped worrying about getting my heart broken again, but it’s too late for that. Things happened this way because the very first guy I loved( and it was real for me )did something so wrong to me to make me contemplate suicide( it wasn’t rape or anything ). I remember vividly that Friday I went home from Upward Bound, waited until my grandma left, and cried my eyes out for about an hour and a half, then went downstairs and looked at the cutting board for about ten minutes. I would’ve been so easy, just to do it. It would only hurt for a small amount of time compared to a life time of heartache. Don’t worry, I’m not thinking about suicide now, I’m just feeling numb and heart sick, and wish I had my mommy to talk to( I live with my grandma, mom stays in town, we’re close, but she has told me not to cry over boys before so I don’t feel comfortable talking to her, she wouldn’t be the mom I wanted her to be in that moment. She wouldn’t hold me and tell me it would be alright while stroking my hair. She’d tell me get over it and move on )
Times like this is when I wish I had a sister my age( my big sister would tell me the same thing my mom would, so I really have no one to talk to about these things. My grandma would say I’m being silly and tell me to pray and I don’t want to talk to her anyway, she’s too nasty of a person ) Once again, I contemplate getting another therapist. Those couple years back I dreaded going to therapy, but my granny insisted that I go because my mom was in and out and on drugs( she’s cleaned her life up and is a big Christian now ), even though I told her I understood she still made me go. Now I just wish I kept going even when everything was alright, I’d have somebody I’d trust to talk to, even if they had to judge me, they’d still be there. ( I’d tell my friends, but I know their sick of hearing about how I feel over the same guy and they don’t really understand, the only person that really understands is Kimberly because she’s seen firsthand what it’s like for me, being that she rides our bus and is in two of the classes Drew and I have together )