Hard Decisions

I remember on Valentine’s Day Drew asked me if I still had feelings for him, and I said no, but then I meant, plus I knew how much it meant to L for him to say yes to be her boyfriend. Now, I’m not so sure what I feel. Today was just so easy, and I thought we’re good, we’re in a good place. Maybe I won’t ever be in love with him again, I’ll only love him like a brother. Then in math he wasn’t there again. Lately, he’s been skipping that class, and I’m not okay with that. This is out Junior year which means colleges are looking at this grades, and I happen to know he has a F in that class and I know he’s not passing a lot of them. The thing is that he’s really good a math, better than me even, so I’m not understanding why he’s skipping. And in History he’s always there, which is our next class, and we’re so light and breezy in that class, like there’s no awkwardness at all. That’s how it should be, but I have my moments when I think that if he was like this when we were dating, maybe we would’ve lasted, but that would be putting the blame on him.

On the way to last period we were walking down the hall like we always do and I told him he’s messing his life up, his future, and he joked that I’m his distraction and I got fake mad( lol ), then he said the one thing that I did not under any circumstances want to hear because he has a girlfriend who is my friend and I can’t go out with him because I can’t date anybody because I’m so freaking messed up! … anyway here is what he said, “You’re like a magnet. I’m drawn to you.” Okay, I admit that the second sentence may have been my imagination playing tricks on me, but I feel like he said that, but I know he said the first sentence. I’m standing there thinking SCREW U DREW! Don’t tell me these things! It only hurts me to hear them, then I have to act like I don’t like you and I know that hurts you and confuses you. So I said, “Fuck you!” in a joking tone, then we split ways. Awkward I know.

So I had a grammar test in Latin that I know I failed( funny story, before the test I wrote something on my hands, but it wasn’t answers and before the bell rung I put hand sanitizer on and she saw my hand and I think she thought I probably cheated, but I don’t think she’ll think that when she grades my test, lol )and it was basically all I could think about and when I got on the bus the only thing I could do was lay my head on my backpack and look out the window to keep from crying. One of my best friends always sits with me and she was playing Fruit Ninja on her Ipad so that helped, but low and behold Drew decides to sit in the row next to me. He asked me if I was okay, and I was surprised I could even turn and face him. I got the impression that he thought I was mad at him, which I wasn’t, but I guess it came off like that.

Tomorrow’s a new day, and I’ll see what it brings.

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WTF?

I feel like a lot has happened since Drew and I broke up. Him getting back with Laurie, me forcing myself to let my  feelings for him go, Laurie and mine’s friendship escalating, my becoming closer to my friends, and then there’s me trying to once again figure out who I am and what my life is going to be like, and also my book( s ).

I think no matter what some part of me is always going to love Drew, whether if it’s as a friend or as a “lover”( lol ). There’s always some part of that’s wanting to come back to him and I know that’s stupid because we don’t work together. I can’t be with anybody because of my stupid “attachment” issues, I’m not even sure if that’s what you would call it. And I have to see him with Laurie everyday, I give both of them a big smile and encourage their relationship, and that’s hard for me because I have to stand there and basically tell Drew that I don’t like/love him anymore, and I think he’s hoping that I still do. Being me is physically and emotionally hard. I keep thinking that when I get to college( if I can even afford to go )that I’ll be able to squash all those feelings and move on, then just be in a happy, normal relationship…then get married, but I don’t see how that’s going to happen when one of my problems is in my life every single day. God, I just want to cry about the whole thing because I can’t talk to anybody about this, not my friends, not my family. My very best friend would groan and tell me to get over him because I deserve better, and my other two would tell me to go for it, and one in particular would hint about it on the bus and in classes we have with Drew, and that’s not what I want. At this point I’d take a stranger over anybody I know( not literally ).

How’d things get so messed up? Freshman year really messed me up. The ramifications of what Han(n) did to me still affect me no matter what and there’s nothing I can do about it. I forgave him, he has no idea that what he did to me actually hurt me and destroyed me. I don’t deserve any of what’s cursed my heart! I’m a good person!

UGH! I just want to rip out my hair, scream, cry, and break things! ( fun fact: I’m strangely getting more violent, but I never act on it. I just play the scenario out in my mind a couple times )

Later…I think I’m going to listen to sad music, and cry until I fall asleep. That should be fun.

 

Playing Nice….Then Realizing You’re A Bitch! (really)

 

 

Okay so this was originally going to be a really bitchy, maniacal post about me talking to me ex’s soon to be girlfriend.

the story: She dated him first, but I liked him first, we were kind of friends, once I realized she liked him I made myself close to her  so he wouldn’t see I was jealous which I was. So now we actually are friends just not close and she IMed me last night on facebook and I knew she wanted to know about my relationship with Drew and how it ended, if I still like him. And until last week I was lying to myself that I didn’t but I secretly did, then he did something annoying and I realized that’s why he’s not right for me! But today he flirted with me, like always and this is what he said to me in class when he was sitting in front of me. I told to get in his correct seat. “I’m just attracted to you.” He said exactly what I was feeling just last week. No matter what it seemed like we were pulled back to each other, like a rubber band! Then it dawned on me that this theory would be the independent variable, I’m the one who controls this. If not me, then him.

Anyway, so I was just thinking about posting our conversation then I realized how she really felt and that I really don’t like Drew, and just wanting to be bitchy for my own personal reasons isn’t a good reason. And she really thinks I’m being a friend and I was just giving her hope when I was planning on flirting with him first thing in the morning and wearing something really cute! I’m not that person, I’m not Blair Waldorf or Noelle Lange, or . I just love to watch them in action! So in that rant my trying to flirt wit him and make him forget about her is completely gone and I’m gonna help her cuz she’s freaking out about it.

    • HER ooo

    • gotcha

    • ….if you dont mind me asking….ik this is random…but what happened with you and Drew?

  • ME 5 hours ago

    • HERoo okays

    • gotcha..cuz i still like him and have been thinking about asking him out agaian

    • and oooo wow hahaha

  • ME you should

    • I could talk to him for you

  • 5 hours ago

    • HER you think?

    • its cool i talk to him all the time

    • ME Yup

  •  

    HER

    • thanks though

  • ME

    • ok, you sure cuz I ride the bus with him I could drop a hint and be like yo my nigga Laurie is pretty cute, you should hit that lol jk

  • HER haahhahahahhahahah!!!

    • i frgigin love you but nah hes suppose to call me tonight so hopefully he will lol

  • ME okay I hope you get your man girl!

  • HER aww thanks

    • btw hes gna get serinaded tommorrow

    • this shoud b hilariouss hahaha

  • ME haha ur welceome! HAHA U sent him one? Does he know?

  • HER yupppp Justin Beiber..Baby

    • he has noo idea lmfaooo

  • ME haha! I won’t tell him I promise!

  • HER ima be on the floor laughingg

  • ME Did you say it was from u?

  • HER cuz ima b in that class

    • yupp

  • ME

    • AW!

    • What class do you have together?

  • HER we r also like bestfriends so if he doesnt want me back it will be funny

    • gym ahah

    • 1-2

    • Orange

  • ME  Yeah lol, he’ll no doubt say yes, he goes out with anything with a vagina, no offense he went out with me too lol

    • HER hahah why would that offend me??

  • ME  OOOOOOOOOOOOH!
    http://www.nastygal.com/whats-new/?utm_source=facebook_ad&utm_medium=smm&utm_term=magazines_us_canada&utm_content=control_bustier_black&utm_campaign=fb_adsTHEY HAVE SEMI CUTE STUFF, BUT THEM SHOES GOTTA GO!

  • HER Your a pretty gurl tooo

  • ME Cuz I said he’ll go out with anything with a vagina, it kind of sounded like I was dissing you lol THANKS!

  • HER oooo hahah gotcha

    • and hes going out with me not my vaginaa

    • haha

  • ME OMG, so me and bre are trying to get an apartment by summer cuz I turn 18 in may and she wants to move out, so if yall are still together by then yall could be chillin with us lol

    • "He’s going out with me not my vagina." HAHA

  • HER OOOO HELLS YESS

    • hahahahahahha

    • ikrr

  • ME He’s a good bf, too clingy for me, but then again everyone’s too clingy for me, I don’t like serious relationships but I think he does you should be good for him!

  • HER well im clingy as well so that shouldnt be a problem

    • and i dont see him as the one to cheat

    • or use me

    • sooo i gots a big ol crush on him haha

  • ME yeah he acts like a player when he’s single, flirting with anything with boobs, but when he’s with someone he’s good! lol

  • HER   YAY!! haha

  • ME  haha you should have been like "In yo face bitch!" lol that would have been funny

  • I gotta do hw ttly

  • HER haha yeah me tooo

    • bye love

    • he said he was gonna think about it

  • ME  YAY!

  • HER im not sure what that means

  • ME haha it means he’ll think about it lol

    • he’ll more than likely say yes

  • HER well that good..he said yes to be my Valentine

  • ME  oh cute! getchu honey!

  • HER   Rawr i dont like that he didnt give me a straight answer

  • ME well he said he’ll think about it maybe he likes someone else you know how he is

  • HER he said he got other offers…but its most likely a yes

  • MEhaha you got like a 99% chance dude chill out

    • he’ll pick you!

    • I’ll make sure of it!

  • HER  What makes you so sure?

  • ME  Cuz I don’t think he’s gotten better offers!

  • HER  aww thanks..thats sweet

    • but u never know

  • ME Well who do you think the other bitch is? lol

    • ahahah i dunno he didnt say

  • ME  ask him!

  • HER  im not on the phone with him anymore..thats really not my buisness either

  • ME  good point don’t want him to think your obsessive lol honestly I think he’ll pick you, it’s not like he got any better offers. If I were you I wouldn’t let it bother you.

  • HER i mean he said we couldnt make it official on the phone so thats pratically a yes right?

    • and you really think im better than the other offers?

  • ME  YEAH TOTALLY! It’s practically like you have no other competition.

    • HER  why do u say that?
    • it feels otherwise.

  • Me  Come one Laurie! If you don’t know who the other girl or girls are then they’re probably not important and he’s probably not serious about them.

    • okays

    • if you say soo

  • ME  Well I do so you should stop worrying about it and get some rest, because if you don’t then you’ll stay up all night worrying and stressing about it and you’ll be nervous in the morning and it’ll show so DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT and even if it doesn’t happen it’s not the end of the world

  • HER  thats true….RAWR

    • ok

    • il try not to worry

  • ME  Between girls there are much bigger fish than Drew Loving! No offense to him

    • I think you should eat some comfort food not much so you don’t get fat and watch a comedy so it takes your mind off it! Your mind will be else where in no time!

  • HER   hahah i love you so much

    • ..and i had other offers but i chose him hah

    • i told hiim that

    • the reason why i broke up with him was because i was in love with someone else but hes entirely out of the pichture now..

    • i broke up with him

    • the dude i was in love with

    • being with Drew and in love with someone else wasnt fair to him

    • so thats why i broke it off

  • ME 

    • Yeah I know how that feels! All through freshman year I loved this guy so much and I had four bf when I thought I was finally over him and it turned out I wasn’t so they never lasted longer than a week. And that summer he confronted me after my friends told me that he pulled a prank on me to get me to stop liking him and we’re cool now but it really fucked me up lol and for a while Drew was like that guy that got me through it but that’s different now cuz I realize I can’t handle serious relationships or any relationships at all

  • ME wow that was long

  • HER ohhh…thats horrible im sorry i am so sorry…and thats understandable

  • HER  yeah it sucked cuz I loved this guy for 8 months which totally ruled my freshman year and summer, then I got over him but what he did was still affecting me and honestly I think it still is but at least I’m over him!

  • HER  but i mean…the dude i was in love with turned out to be a totall jackass and cheated on me…i realized i made a huge mistake…but i like Drew alot…i hope i get a second chance

  • ME  I hope you get a second chance too! Haha you should wear something really sexy tomorrow and made his mouth drop!

  • HER  ik how u feel…Drew asked me tonight if i still cared for him…i was like no…i kinda still do..but im getting over him and hes not in the pichture anymore so it doesnt matter..OH HELL YEAHHH SMEXY VALENTINE hahaha

    • the dude im in love with not Drew

    • or was

  • ME  do you feel like you love her?

  • HER  i felt like i loved Avery…but in reality i was just attached to him because i lost my virginity to him

  • ME  OMG! Really? Was he the guy you thought you loved?

  • HER  Yup

  • ME  was it good? lol

  • HER   … A. H…..i had a HUGE crush on him for a while…and i think i was more in love with him then he was with me…so i gave him my everything…he left me for another gurl shortly after..then…he came crawling back and i forgave him…he ended up being a dick to me…and i broke up with him…thats why i wass in love with him..

    • HER  it was okay.,….hurt like a bitch the first time..got better a couple times aftter

  • ME  oh honey I’m sorry! Hope you don’t take this the wrong way but that’s why I’m waiting until I’m married

  • HER  haha yeah..that was the plan..but i got pressured into it…and i loved him so i did..wasmt really thinking

  • ME  he pressured you into it?

  • HER  Yeah

  • ME  asshat!

  • HER  he kept tellin me he was gna do it with someone else..and sayin that i dont love him and shit

    • ..it was so stupid

    • lessond learned

    • and im good now

    • thanks for listenin

    • it really helped

  • ME  oh you’re welcome

  • HER

    • im excited for tomorrow

    • i got him a chocolate rose and a teddy bear

    • hehe

  • ME  YAY! you should pick out come cute clothes right now! what kind of chocolate?

  • HER  milk i think hahah

    • and im not sure what to wear

    • hmm

  • ME  something a little revealing that’s like red or soemthing, but doesn’t make you look like a slut

    • I take it you went to pick out clothes

  • HER  sorry turned off computer with my foot lol

  • ME   haha oh I thought you went to go pick you your outfit lol

  • HER  nope haha

    • i think ima wear my red sweater

    • i wish i had a black skirt

    • damn

 

Okay so it gets a little boring after a while so yeah. Nighty night! I’m going ham(to my bed for some sleep)

A friend….or more than a friend?

Okay, so the last time I wrote I was telling you I broke up with Drew after four days of dating and two years of liking him immensely.  That relationship took a lot out of me and I’ve been taking day by day, trying not to go back to Drew. I didn’t break up with him because I didn’t think he was cute, I did it because I felt suffocated and guilty for trying to drag it out. So yes I still think Drew’s cute. We just have this thing when we look at each other we smile, I can’t help it. Believe me, I’ve tried not smiling, it just ends up in laughter. It’s like no matter what, we’re still drawn to each other, which only makes matters worse. Sometimes I think about what if we went out a second time, would it be different? Being that I have class with him everyday and we ride the same bus makes it a little hard at times. As if the Lord knew this was what I needed, he hasn’t sent Drew to school for most of the week and it’s been an honest breather, even though I did miss him. But I promised myself I’m not going back there!

Meanwhile, my other friend Jake, who I think is really cute, but I never thought in a million years he’d like me or think I was cute. Partly, because he’s bisexual so I kind of saw him as mostly gay, which is obviously not the case. Anyway, something today happened to him at lunch( we don’t have the same lunch )and he realized he needed to turn his life around and he wanted somebody calm I guess because my best friend and another one of my friends told me he said he wanted somebody like me, or thought I was cute. Now of course I didn’t my other friend,  but when my best friend and I went running earlier this evening she told me the whole story and said the same thing that my other friend said. Before I left and while I was sitting on the bus I saw Jake get into one of his friends cars and I thought what if Jake did like me? But I quickly dismissed that, surely if Jake thought I was cute I would know.

In the course of our friendship over the last two years I loved the idea of being around Jake because he’s so cool and funny. He’s totally chill yet hype. He gets a lot of complements but he’s not cocky in the slightest. I tell Jake he’s sexy every time I see him. Back to our friendship, starting this year I had to tell myself that I couldn’t let myself develop feelings for Jake( which started the few times we’ve hung out outside of school ) because he’d never like me and one of my other best friends told him she liked him and he didn’t like her back and she’s way pretty. Anyway, now I have to think about this seriously because I would totally be there for Jake, I’m just not sure I could get use to the idea that he actually would go out with me. The whole thing is mind boggling because I don’t want a relationship, but it’s Jake and I do like Jake, but I’m just not what he’s looking for. But I do still want to be here for Jake, and when I think about it I’m seeing him with another girl and myself getting jealous.

AND ONTOP OF THAT HE’S ONE OF DREW’S BEST FRIENDS.