I’m not really sure where all this passion about changing the world and people’s lives came from, but as of lately it’s all I’m about, besides my writing and getting a job.
Anyway, over the last couple of months I’ve been wanting to start programs for teens during the summer to keep them out of trouble, like what I’m in except it won’t be school related, and I’ve been thinking about starting another program for teens who come from a rough background, maybe their homeless, maybe their abandoned, whatever the case may be I want to help them once I get my books of the ground and get some money going and further my career through connections. After all you can’t go anywhere without connections.
But there’s the natural passion that’s building up ever since I started having said panic attacks that I didn’t even know where panic attacks at the time. I would go to the bathroom, sit on top of the closed seat, open the window and let the chilly winter air help me breath again. It was so comforting, it helped clear my head and on more than one occasion I thought about taking a midnight stroll to further clear my head, but that’s pushing it.
I did that tonight and last night, and the night before that. The only differences being the change in the air, it’s Spring not Winter, so the air is not as calming as it use to be in my time of need. The last couple of days I’ve been going to the front door, unlocking both doors and step onto the front porch for a second, just to feel fresh air surround me and it’s amazing! It’s like my whole body can breath, and I’m just serene. When it rains, that’s the best part for me, I teeter towards the edge of the porch, offering my hands to the raindrops, and it becomes real. Everything bad goes away, the Earth’s cycle’s have taken over my soul ( apart from God ), and just made me feel so much lighter. A lot of the time I sit in the plastic green chairs, my barefoot feeling the blue carpet installed. All lights have been shut off in the early morning/late night, everyone’s asleep, and the street lights are on. A car or two may pass, not paying much attention to the weird girl sitting on the porch by herself after twelve in the morning. I look up and down the street, wondering if it’s possible someone is doing the same thing I’m doing, and if he is will he find me doing the same thing he is. Will we connect? Will we even meet?
I look up at the orangish-gold street lamp as the rain falls, I want so badly to step off the porch, but I can’t. I have no shoes on, I have no umbrella. The ground’s cold and wet, a puddle right under the drop. Maybe I want to step barefoot in that tiny puddle, so my feet would get wet and cold and look up at the dark sky as rain descends upon me. Maybe I’ll find peace there. Maybe I’ll look at the guy down the street and he’s doing the same thing, only looking at me. Maybe I’ll runaway with the guy down the street doing the same thing as me.
( Okay, that last part about the guy down the street was embellished, but it just came to me when I was writing, it sounded to right not to put down. I do wish their was a guy that would be there when I was contemplating taking a walk by myself, and I have written a little about that, and it’s pretty good, and I’m not being bias. The guy character seems more to me like a therapist/friend who you just met, but you can tell anything to, and when I feel like going to the window in the bathroom after midnight and going to the front porch I think about him. I wrote him when I was dating Drew and I was feeling really guilty, and it seemed to help, I just never had the characters talk about my relationship issues. Actually I can’t remember, I’ll post what I have tomorrow. Going to bed. )