Gut Instincts

It’s been a while since I’ve wrote, there’s a lot to say( I guess ).

First off, I’m not sure if I told you that I was finally done with Drew, but I am. Whenever I think maybe we could work I remember the small things I don’t like about him and move on. I found out why he’d been missing so much school, it wasn’t because he didn’t feel like coming or didn’t care( besides skipping Math ), his knee’s been bothering him and he had to keep going to doctor’s appointments. I have proof of this because I saw him sitting outside his house when we rode through his neighborhood, there was an ace bandage on his right knee while eating chips or something and playing with some mixed kids. He shaved his head, which I find weird, but to each is own( Is that how it goes? ) I’ve finally let all my feelings for him go, and I’ve realized that it was my fault that  things played out the w ay they did. I put my everything into loving him over the course of two years and we only dated for three days! I need to stop getting so serious about the guys I like, it only leads to broken hearts and sleepless nights…

I’m not sure why but I had a dream last week that had all the guys I liked starting from Han on up( Drew,  Luke( not sure how I feel about that), some random black guy, then Carson) All of which that’s been confusing me. In the same night I had two different settings in my dream that involved Han, and I do not like him at all anymore, but having that dream confused the hell out of me. Why would I dream about the guys I used to and currently like? Carson has been a reoccurring crush, whenever I see him I get happy. I mean, he’s a really nice guy, he’s sweet, super smart. One of those boys that would be classified as “Preppy” but really isn’t. I had Creative Writing with him last year and it just manifested, of course he doesn’t know I like him, but there’s no need in telling him. He’s a senior, I’m a junior, plus he would never like me. I’m not his type. I’m black, and ordinary, slightly fat with acne, meanwhile he’s got preppy blonde girls that shop at Anthropologie. It just seems impossible that anything good would come out of telling him I like him. There was this one day where I got my hair done and it was done, but curled and I had a preppy sweater, skinny jeans, and black boots on when we were all in little groups and he was in my group, but so was his girlfriend( not sure if they were dating at the time ), and I said something to one of his friends about his character and he looked at me and looked at me. I didn’t know what to say or do after that. I didn’t know if he was looking at my new hairstyle or thinking about what I said, but he looked at me and it’s haunted me ever since. Also, when the class passed around our literary magazine with all our published pieces in it, he signed mine weirdly. I can’t remember what he wrote, but it was profound and I couldn’t help but think there was hidden meaning behind it. Then I thought that since we were all in a giant circle, maybe he didn’t know it was mine and  just put something random , and now I just thought that he might’ve know it was mine because our names were on the cover and maybe someone put my name in one of their messages, but maybe he didn’t know and there wasn’t any meaning behind it at all. Any who, I don’t know what that meant, or the dream. The dreams…I’ve dreamed about Carson three or four times and every time I have, we’ve talked a lot, and every time I wake up I get instantly sad because I realize it’s a dream and we don’t actually talk in class.

Oh, today me and my friend Kimberly got our eyebrows done at her sister’s job and we went to a Italian restaurant on the same street and this cute guy( he was a man ) was talking to her sister, he kept coming over to talk to us, and I thought he was cute from the getgo, he even touched my shoulder. He was white and bald, I didn’t catch his eye color, but I thought he was really cute. By the time we left he had disappeared, I figured he was in the back somewhere, but HELL NO! When we got outside I told them I thought the bald guy was really cute, and Kimberly was like the who? I was like THE BALD GUY and her sister said oh, you mean the guy right there? And he was sitting outside near where we were at another restaurant and heard us, and I was embarrassed as HELL! So we laughed it off and her sister went over there to talk to him for a minute and when we left she said he said “What’s up?” to me! I couldn’t stop smiling! He was so cute and the fact that he thought I was cute was enough to make me write this. But I am only 17, but I’m going to be 18 next month, so…And her sister knows him and it’s not like I don’t know where he works. I hope I get a relationship with this guy. He’s been what I’ve been looking for, a man, not some dumb high school boy. Gosh, he has really cute pink kips that looked so good!


Advice I’d take if I weren’t such a coward! When you meet someone new follow your gut instinct because you could miss out on a world of opportunities. ( I came up with this )