Diary Entry – September 20, 2012

I’d like to let you guys know that I was ashamed to publish my thoughts and feelings(for fear of someone I actually know seeing them, let alone the guys I were crushing on at the time), but this blog is called ThoughsFeelings, so…and how would you know I’m even human without these immensely personal posts? This one I’m extremely nervous for others to see, but it’s what I felt at the time.

That’s it! No MAS! I’m fat. I know I’m fat. I know I’m fat, I’ve always known I was fat..ever since I was young. I’ve stopped working out for the past week and a half, so I feel extra fat and gross and disgusted with myself. 

Talking to M and T today in math just reassured that I am FAT!! They didn’t actually say I as, but MM said K was wide, and I’m bigger than her, if he thinks she’s wide than I must be huge.

I don’t want to be fat, being around all these skinny girls with long, blond hair, and flawless skin…it just infuriates me to no end that the guys I liked based on personality and their outward appearance (how they dress and act) never go for me. Their eyes skip right over me and go to whoever is skinny, and perfect, and/or slightly vain.

I’m the one that wants to be loved, and not just to have a guy on my arm for the sake of looking good. I want romance and adventure, the whole nine. But I can’t do tat with this fat chip on my shoulder. I know what needs to be done, because I am prepared to do it. Lord forgive me for my future sins, but it needs to be done. If I don’t do it, then I’ll struggle with my weight forever and I’m young…forever doesn’t last forever in a lifetime.

Here’s the big picture, I want to be able to wear a semi short dress/skirt without feeling fat because my fat legs are showing. I want to be able to rock a bikini confidently. I want to be able to walk into a party (probably not a party, because I don’t drink or anything regular teens do) with my skinny, gorgeous best friend and have guys look at me like they always look at her. I mean, I don’t want them to get insanely perverted, but I do want some admiration thrown my way from time to time. If only white guys like thick, black girls! The only attention I attract is from pervy, old black guys, and the young ones with their pants around their ankles. It’s infuriating!  Hopefully, college will be different.

….

This is weird…

I don’t really want to talk about it, but I have to or else it’ll build up.

T whatever his last name is.

He’s hot, but slightly young. Tall, semi-muscular build with really cute blond hair, but…there’s no way in hell he’d go for me. First of all, I’m BLACK…don’t think he goes for black girls because of the stereotype around us. Second, I’m FAT! Thirdly, I’m a virgin when he’s so obviously not, and brags about it. Plus he smokes and drinks, which is pretty average, but I don’t like it.

I remember the first week when he didn’t talk to us…I kept thinking there’s something more to this guy. He has to be a writer or an artist. Something poetic. Then he started talking to us and that idea changed. He’s an average teen male who wants sex and does pot and drinks alcohol…

And yet I still think there’s something redeemable about him…

At first I thought because he lives with his brother (told us during class, not a stalker, although I do see him walking to school and back over the bridge while I’m riding the bus) that he must have underwent some big family drama where hid dad cheated on his mom or something horrific that changed him for the better, but then again this isn’t a teen romance novel…if only!

He keeps asking me why I’m a virgin and I keep telling him it’s because I’m waiting until marriage, and while that fact remains true, I’d be more likely  incline to have sex with a guy that didn’t accost me just because he wanted to have sex, but because he wanted to know me, my soul, and all. The guy (if not my husband) would have to love me in return, but because there’s no real way of knowing that he wouldn’t just leave after or we wouldn’t have a nasty breakup, I want to remain abstinent. If it doesn’t work out then we’ll work through it because I’m not just getting married to have sex. If that future guy really loves me, he can wait for me.

…T’s Halloween party…I thought about this ever since he asked/invited me “You getting laid on Halloween” as he so eloquently put it. I’m not sure why, but in my mind I said yes after some thought. Crazy enough, I even thought about loosing it to him, then I shook that DUMBASS thought out of my head. However hard it may be, I will not succumb to this teenage pressure from my peers, lest of all a blond haired hottie with a knack for giving me wrong thoughts. And besides, he’d never go for me. It’s been two months since school started, three weeks since we’ve formed our math clique, and he doesn’t even know my name! Boys and their terrible memories! 

When will I find someone? When will this horrendous wait be over?…I suspect college will be my social peek.

And yes, I’m aware this entry is exceptionally long, whereas the others are  nearly two pages front and back but I haven’t written like this in nearly a month. So, excuse my long hand…It’s just all this buildup that comes rushing to the surface as soon as my pen hits the paper.

Although, I know this’ll never happen, but if I were to loose this and my perfect guy found it and read it, and somehow feel in love with me through my ridiculous rants, that would be soooo romantic. Plus, that’d make such a good book ( don’t steal that either) , and I would know because I wrote a “Short” story around the likes of that over the summer for Upward Bound – English. 

Which gets me to thinking-WTF did I put that?! I need to rewrite that electronically! – Until I fel the need to pour my most inner thoughts into this again, 

                                                                                           DNF

      Laters, baby – Christian Grey (50 Shades of Grey)

 

Ed Sheeran-Kiss Me

Just a really romantic song that I listen when I write for my characters Arianna and Daren/Arianna and Kale (Spoilers) lol.

I know I don’t get a lot of viewers, but if anyone wants an excerpt from my book (still working on it) just comment or send me a message or something. I’d be happy to post some chapters, which I’ll prob end up doing…just don’t steal it or I’ll kick your ass!

August 28, 2012

If I could believe in God, then why not believe in his signs to guide you? Last night I had a dream involving one of the guys from my past, one that was really weird and not at all romantic. Tight before I started writing this I see his name somewhere and think: Is that from God? (lol)…

 

August 27, 2012 Tuesday NIGHT

Maybe doing this religiously will help me get closer to GOD, maybe it’ll count as a prayer! Maybe not…

I’m hoping  that A.M. will come back soon, and hopefully move up here, because I really like her. She’s like blood to me. I’d do anything for her and I feel that she’d do anything for me…

That guy…I saw him in the hallway on my way to the class we have together…I wanted to say hi, but I thought I should just walk right past like I don’t see him, like I’m really trying to get to class…And I did. I can never tell if he looks at me in class or not, because I try not to glance at him too often. I just don’t want to gawk, but he’s making hard not to. He’s just too hot! Blonde hair, green eyes, tight bod! Nikki agrees with me! If I can’t anything more than a friendship form him that’s okay, I’d rather have that because that way our feelings are mutual and will last, plus they’d be true. He’d never go for me plus this is safer…

: Blonde or Dark brown hair, blue or green eyes, black/gray/blue attire. Happy, funny, and chill.

August 26, 2012 Sunday AFTERnoon – First Diary Entry

Here I am, writing on the second page first. The first page always feels weird. You can never really get the page to stay how you want it, so you can properly spill out your feelings on the page…

This is not my first diary, and probably won’t be my last, but I’m going to try and make this one count the most…

After listening to the Civil Wars tantalizing melodies and harmonies, I feel light as a feather-which I’m allergic to-falling with a soulful heart and mind…Someone very special gave you to me, and I intend to use it everyday, so I can see my progress…or not…

I’m looking for this guy…He’s tall, soulful, and handsome. His smile reaches his eyes with honesty and happiness. His heart and intentions are pure. He’s trustworthy and dependent on the fact that I’m the same as him. He’s looking for me too…He’s looking for me too…

: Black/Dark brown hair, blue eyes, Caucasian, handsome. May be brooding, but not dark and tortured. Simple and sweet, and has eyes only for me.

New Beginnings

Maybe there’s too much to say…maybe that’s why I haven’t wrote anything in over two months. Since he left I lost my urge to write down what I was feeling. Instead everything got bottled up inside , and I feel as if I’m teetering over the edge, but before I fall I catch myself.

Maybe I shouldn’t write any of this down and forget that I even have a blog. It wouldn’t be too hard. I did abandon it over my diary last year anyway. OR maybe I’ll tell you the whole story of how things happened.