Diary Entry – September 20, 2012

I’d like to let you guys know that I was ashamed to publish my thoughts and feelings(for fear of someone I actually know seeing them, let alone the guys I were crushing on at the time), but this blog is called ThoughsFeelings, so…and how would you know I’m even human without these immensely personal posts? This one I’m extremely nervous for others to see, but it’s what I felt at the time.

That’s it! No MAS! I’m fat. I know I’m fat. I know I’m fat, I’ve always known I was fat..ever since I was young. I’ve stopped working out for the past week and a half, so I feel extra fat and gross and disgusted with myself. 

Talking to M and T today in math just reassured that I am FAT!! They didn’t actually say I as, but MM said K was wide, and I’m bigger than her, if he thinks she’s wide than I must be huge.

I don’t want to be fat, being around all these skinny girls with long, blond hair, and flawless skin…it just infuriates me to no end that the guys I liked based on personality and their outward appearance (how they dress and act) never go for me. Their eyes skip right over me and go to whoever is skinny, and perfect, and/or slightly vain.

I’m the one that wants to be loved, and not just to have a guy on my arm for the sake of looking good. I want romance and adventure, the whole nine. But I can’t do tat with this fat chip on my shoulder. I know what needs to be done, because I am prepared to do it. Lord forgive me for my future sins, but it needs to be done. If I don’t do it, then I’ll struggle with my weight forever and I’m young…forever doesn’t last forever in a lifetime.

Here’s the big picture, I want to be able to wear a semi short dress/skirt without feeling fat because my fat legs are showing. I want to be able to rock a bikini confidently. I want to be able to walk into a party (probably not a party, because I don’t drink or anything regular teens do) with my skinny, gorgeous best friend and have guys look at me like they always look at her. I mean, I don’t want them to get insanely perverted, but I do want some admiration thrown my way from time to time. If only white guys like thick, black girls! The only attention I attract is from pervy, old black guys, and the young ones with their pants around their ankles. It’s infuriating!  Hopefully, college will be different.

….

This is weird…

I don’t really want to talk about it, but I have to or else it’ll build up.

T whatever his last name is.

He’s hot, but slightly young. Tall, semi-muscular build with really cute blond hair, but…there’s no way in hell he’d go for me. First of all, I’m BLACK…don’t think he goes for black girls because of the stereotype around us. Second, I’m FAT! Thirdly, I’m a virgin when he’s so obviously not, and brags about it. Plus he smokes and drinks, which is pretty average, but I don’t like it.

I remember the first week when he didn’t talk to us…I kept thinking there’s something more to this guy. He has to be a writer or an artist. Something poetic. Then he started talking to us and that idea changed. He’s an average teen male who wants sex and does pot and drinks alcohol…

And yet I still think there’s something redeemable about him…

At first I thought because he lives with his brother (told us during class, not a stalker, although I do see him walking to school and back over the bridge while I’m riding the bus) that he must have underwent some big family drama where hid dad cheated on his mom or something horrific that changed him for the better, but then again this isn’t a teen romance novel…if only!

He keeps asking me why I’m a virgin and I keep telling him it’s because I’m waiting until marriage, and while that fact remains true, I’d be more likely  incline to have sex with a guy that didn’t accost me just because he wanted to have sex, but because he wanted to know me, my soul, and all. The guy (if not my husband) would have to love me in return, but because there’s no real way of knowing that he wouldn’t just leave after or we wouldn’t have a nasty breakup, I want to remain abstinent. If it doesn’t work out then we’ll work through it because I’m not just getting married to have sex. If that future guy really loves me, he can wait for me.

…T’s Halloween party…I thought about this ever since he asked/invited me “You getting laid on Halloween” as he so eloquently put it. I’m not sure why, but in my mind I said yes after some thought. Crazy enough, I even thought about loosing it to him, then I shook that DUMBASS thought out of my head. However hard it may be, I will not succumb to this teenage pressure from my peers, lest of all a blond haired hottie with a knack for giving me wrong thoughts. And besides, he’d never go for me. It’s been two months since school started, three weeks since we’ve formed our math clique, and he doesn’t even know my name! Boys and their terrible memories! 

When will I find someone? When will this horrendous wait be over?…I suspect college will be my social peek.

And yes, I’m aware this entry is exceptionally long, whereas the others are  nearly two pages front and back but I haven’t written like this in nearly a month. So, excuse my long hand…It’s just all this buildup that comes rushing to the surface as soon as my pen hits the paper.

Although, I know this’ll never happen, but if I were to loose this and my perfect guy found it and read it, and somehow feel in love with me through my ridiculous rants, that would be soooo romantic. Plus, that’d make such a good book ( don’t steal that either) , and I would know because I wrote a “Short” story around the likes of that over the summer for Upward Bound – English. 

Which gets me to thinking-WTF did I put that?! I need to rewrite that electronically! – Until I fel the need to pour my most inner thoughts into this again, 

                                                                                           DNF

      Laters, baby – Christian Grey (50 Shades of Grey)

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s