I just want to see him, just to know that he’s okay. The only reason I can think of that he’s been out of school for two weeks is because their moving. I mean, if that’s the case, why wouldn’t he tell anybody, or me. I know I mean a lot to him, he’s made that clear at times. Maybe he’s mad at me, or maybe he’s had enough of my constant change in emotion for him. Maybe he asked to go live with his mom in Pennsylvania. Is that crazy to think that he’s done something so drastic over something so little? He’s left me with no choice about what to think! I don’t know what to do, but just wait until Monday to see if he’ll show up. He has to. Monday is the day before exams, he’d be an idiot not to come, especially for exams. Unless he’s already left. What am I going to do if he left? I just need to see him in person, and then if he’s moving, then I’ll let him go. They say if you love someone then you let them go, we’ll I love Drew. I’m saying I’m in love with him, because I’m still not sure, but I do love like a friend. I just had a horrible thought, Is this what it was like for him when I didn’t speak to him for half a month? If it is, it’s unbearable. I’m ready to cry my eyes out whenever I think about him, I get that tight, sharp pain in my chest and I’m ready to keel over. I can’t deal with this for the rest of my life, even though it’ll get easier to deal with over time, I just hope he’s still hear and he’s okay. It’s not like I can go to his house/apartment. Even though I live on the street behind him I don’t know which housing apartment is his. Do you know how hard it is dying to see a person, knowing you’re just a couple steps from them and not being able to see them? It’s really, really hard! I wonder if he’s going through half of what I’m feeling.
Once again in the early morning I have nausea( no, I’m not prego, I’m still a virgin ) and I can’t help but be worried about Drew. The only reason I’m not freaking out and crying( a lot )is because I asked our mutual friend has he seen him and he said he saw him Friday. That’s the only reason I’m not out calling the police or checking the obituary, or the crime reports, anything to see if he’s okay. He’s been a ghost the past week. Where is he? He can’t be that sick that he’s missed more than a week of school. Is he moving? God, I didn’t think I had feelings for him anymore that would make me cry like I’m trying to fight off right now. That twinge in your stomach that’s making you feel sick. It’s in my stomach. That rise of emotion in your throat that urges you to cry. It’s in my throat. I just want him back! For the past two days I entertained the idea of seeing him at the bus stop and running up to him and hugging him, but then I get there and I’m crushed, but I push it down. It’s not going to do me any good. This evening I got off the bus, walked up to my house with my hood over my head in the rain, and imagined him sitting on my porch, waiting for me, waiting to explain why he’s been MIA. I wanted him to know while he’s been gone it’s been raining. I don’t know what this means. I don’t know if I’m in love with him all over again or if it means anything, because this happened before twice: Before school started and when he didn’t come to school for like four days and I had to face the weekend not seeing him. Those times I was relieved when I saw him, but I was also scared, and eventually it went right back to him annoying me with something he did or someone he flirted with. I’m not trying to go back there, but my heart is where it is. And it’s not with Taco whose real name is Scott( hence the Scottland post from a couple days ago ). A few minutes ago I even went outside to get some cold fresh air. Finally the winter air came in handy. I stood there for a couple seconds looking up and down my quiet blackened street, then I sat in one of the light green plastic chairs and continued to stare. It took all I had not to let out my gasps and sobs, I just sat there enjoying what the winter air had for me. I’m going to go back to listening to Cold Desert by Kings of Leon and trying not empty my stomach.
Caught in an emotional moment, I started crying. These thoughts and feelings poured out of me:
Being in love is great, but it’s also horrible. You can never be sure of what’s going to happen to your heart. Being that I’ve had mine broken twice. . .Well, more than twice, but by the two same guys, I’m not willing to risk all those sad moments for all the happy ones. I just can’t.
With that being said, I’m relieved to say that I will never go back to Drew for as long as I live. He’s not the one for me, no matter how much he smiles at me, or flirts with me, or laughs at all of my tendencies, or makes me jealous even when he’s not trying to. Or how much he makes me hate him or how much he makes me love him.
But that doesn’t mean I’m heading down a one lane “Taco Bypass”. I’m not, I’m just trying to reestablish my standards. Not to say that T isn’t good enough, he is, but just not for me.
See, I’m from 95% All black neighborhoods, and kids swearing and calling each other “Nigga’s” everyday of my life since I can remember, and teenage girls smoking weed with their moms and getting pregnant. All of that surrounds me, but I’m not in it.(Literally, I don’t live in the projects, but I live behind it, or in front of it, depends on where you’re standing)I’m in a straight path to follow my dreams and deserve better than what my current world has to offer.
So, I’m taking it day by day, hoping that my time will come when I get my Prince Charming(James, lol)and leave behind my old, dusty broom.
Everything will fall in place. You’ll see.
(Gossip Girl gave me some insight, how pathetic does that sound,
SO, my friend who has liked me for who knows how long has continuously flirted with two of my best friends in front of me has more or less put me through hell since school started. He tells me he likes me last year and flirted with me nonstop, but I was still getting over my last heartbreak to respond fully. This past summer I realized that he meant a lot to me. Whenever I felt bad he’d make me laugh. Whenever I’d feel fat and ugly he’d make me feel beautiful. Ever since school started I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster with him, only he doesn’t know it. See, I have this thing that if I like a guy I don’t want him to I like him and you wouldn’t even know I like him if I didn’t tell you, but with this guy it’s different. I can’t help how I feel about him. You’re probably asking yourself what’s the problem with this chick. Well, here it is. That heartbreak I mentioned earlier was my first real one and I didn’t actually date the guy, but he did break my heart, resulting in my inability to be in a relationship. I haven’t had a relationship since the end of freshman year(HS)and I’m a junior(HS) now. Sad, right? Why can’t I get over that one thing that happened such a long time ago? Here’s the reason: I’m scared. I don’t want to get my heartbroken and my friend was the one that ultimately helped me realize that I was beautiful the way I am, even though he doesn’t know this. Skipping to the part that led me to write this: I was going to invite him over to watch the Pretty Little Liars marathon and have dinner. I was so excited and happy, because I was trying to become closer to him in a friendly way. Even though we’ve known each other, and rode the bus together since the fifth grade, we really didn’t know each other all that well. We were going to be best friends first, then fall in love, then…We were suppose to discover music together and make goofy videos and post them on YouTube. We were suppose to take it slow. That Wednesday was going to let all that happen. NO! WE DIDN’T EVEN GET TO THAT PART! I guess this was meant to be taken as a sign that I shouldn’t be with him or, at least, not yet. The very day I was going to ask him if he wanted to come over he showed up at the bus stop high. That’s a big no no in my book. Everything I thought he was a lie. I felt betrayed. The one guy that I could imagine my life with was nothing but a joke. That day I avoided him like the plague. Being that we have three classes together everyday doesn’t help. How could he do this to me? To us? But there really wasn’t an us, not anymore. He threw it away with his future. All day I was hoping that it was a lie, wishing that I imagined it all. Sadly, no. It was confirmed right before the bus pulled to my stop that he was indeed high earlier. He looked at me and shook his head, like he was proud of it. Could he not see in my eyes that I was hurt? That I loved him? When I walked down the isle to get off the bus he touched me and said bye. I shied away and told him not to talk to me. That day a piece of my died. All weekend I kept thinking that maybe I should talk to him and apologize, then I got to school, sticking it out for another week, planning on telling him why I wasn’t talking to him if wasn’t clear about why, until Kimberly told me she asked him where I was and he said he didn’t know and didn’t care. Everything I was suppressing at that moment wanted to come crashing out of me, but I wouldn’t let it, after all we were waiting for the buses and there was people around. He could not see me crying, I wouldn’t let him.Skipping forward to this week, he who shall not be named ever hasn’t been at school four like four days this week, and at first I had to admit it felt good not to see him sitting right next to me in all of our classes and see how much he’s changed(he’s become a dick)and even Kimberly sees it. With a new wardrobe came a new confidence that totally makes me want to punch him in his nonexistent privates. But since yesterday I’ve been missing him terribly and I can’t help how I feel, I want him back. I want my Drew back(oops). I’ll never have him. I just have to get over that and move on, because I deserve better,