August 26, 2012 Sunday AFTERnoon – First Diary Entry

Here I am, writing on the second page first. The first page always feels weird. You can never really get the page to stay how you want it, so you can properly spill out your feelings on the page…

This is not my first diary, and probably won’t be my last, but I’m going to try and make this one count the most…

After listening to the Civil Wars tantalizing melodies and harmonies, I feel light as a feather-which I’m allergic to-falling with a soulful heart and mind…Someone very special gave you to me, and I intend to use it everyday, so I can see my progress…or not…

I’m looking for this guy…He’s tall, soulful, and handsome. His smile reaches his eyes with honesty and happiness. His heart and intentions are pure. He’s trustworthy and dependent on the fact that I’m the same as him. He’s looking for me too…He’s looking for me too…

: Black/Dark brown hair, blue eyes, Caucasian, handsome. May be brooding, but not dark and tortured. Simple and sweet, and has eyes only for me.

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Lullaby

Bad news : I’m sick! It’s not official but I sneezed when I wrote “I’m sick” and the back of my mouth is really dry. My granny’s getting sick too and I didn’t feel sick until she got home last night. So I’m blaming this on her! But on the bright side, If I’m sick I can’t go to my bff’s house to spend the night. She called me yesterday when she was at the mall, I was here with my mom watching tv on demand. I had to catch up on Grimm, Revenge, and Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Anyway she was buying people gifts and said we should do something tomorrow, which is today, and I said “Hey, can I spend the night at your house?”And she was like I’m not with my mom to ask her right now. . .and I was suppose to ask granny, but it looks like that’s not working out now. And if I’m sick then I don’t have to be pissed that I can’t go, because I have to stay and take care of granny.

But the really important thing that happened to me was coming to the realization that I love D so much that I’d rather die than let him go. I got that from Ron Pope’s Lullaby. The exact lyric is, “And I swear on my soul I’d rather die than let her go.”I just substituted her for him, and BAM! I’m left feeling sad and empty because I won’t see him until next year, and I’m already feeling nauseous and empty in his absence.Why can’t I just grow some balls and tell him how I feel! Want to know something really pathetic? My last day of exams this week I dressed  sexy, or at least tried to, but I did get a lot of compliments, just for him. I had on black skinny jeans, boots, a black top with red writing on it, and deep red lip gloss( I improvised with red lipstick and pinkish lip gloss. ). I said I was going to flirt with him, and make him forget about any other girl, maybe even kiss him and he wasn’t even there! Do you know how upset I was?! He wasn’t at the bus stop and neither was that girl, I knew it was stupid to think that maybe they were hanging out together because they didn’t have an exam for the first half of the day, but then he wasn’t in for our math exam and I just felt really stupid. Like when you wear makeup for a guy and he doesn’t even look your way. And is it stupid to think that maybe D does like that girl? Kimberly doesn’t like her, probably because I don’t like( only because she flirts with D and has a bf ), which makes Kimberly a really good friend in my opinion. She can be wild and erratic, but supportive where it counts.

I’m hoping when we go shopping after Christmas for my Christmas gifts ( money differences ) that I can find a new wardrobe that will make me feel more sophisticated and smart, someone worth taking an interest in.

It’s All on You

I just want to see him, just to know that he’s okay. The only reason I can think of that he’s been out of school for two weeks is because their moving. I mean, if that’s the case, why wouldn’t he tell anybody, or me. I know I mean a lot to him, he’s made that clear at times. Maybe he’s mad at me, or maybe he’s had enough of my constant change in emotion for him. Maybe he asked to go live with his mom in Pennsylvania. Is that crazy to think that he’s done something so drastic over something so little? He’s left me with no choice about what to think! I don’t know what to do, but  just wait until Monday to see if he’ll show up. He has to. Monday is the day before exams, he’d be an idiot not to come, especially for exams. Unless he’s already left. What am I going to do if he left? I just need to see him in person, and then if he’s moving, then I’ll let him go. They say if you love someone then you let them go, we’ll I love Drew. I’m saying I’m in love with him, because I’m still not sure, but I do love like a friend. I just had a horrible thought, Is this what it was like for him when I didn’t speak to him for half a month? If it is, it’s unbearable.  I’m ready to cry my eyes out whenever I think about him, I get that tight, sharp pain in my chest and I’m ready to keel over. I can’t deal with this for the rest of my life, even though it’ll get easier to deal with over time, I just hope he’s still hear and he’s okay. It’s not like I can go to his house/apartment. Even though I live on the street behind him I don’t know which housing apartment is his. Do you know how hard it is dying to see a person, knowing you’re just a couple steps from them and not being able to see them? It’s really, really hard! I wonder if he’s going through half of what I’m feeling.

Cold Desert REPOST

Once again in the early morning I have nausea( no, I’m not prego, I’m still a virgin ) and I can’t help but be worried about Drew. The only reason I’m not freaking out and crying( a lot )is because I asked our mutual friend has he seen him and he said he saw him Friday. That’s the only reason I’m not out calling the police or checking the obituary, or the crime reports, anything to see if he’s okay. He’s been a ghost the past week. Where is he? He can’t be that sick that he’s missed more than a week of school. Is he moving? God, I didn’t think I had feelings for him anymore that would make me cry like I’m trying to fight off right now. That twinge in your stomach that’s making you feel sick. It’s in my stomach. That rise of emotion in your throat that urges you to cry. It’s in my throat. I just want him back! For the past two days I entertained the idea of seeing him at the bus stop and running up to him and hugging him, but then I get there and I’m crushed, but I push it down. It’s not going to do me any good. This evening I got off the bus, walked up to my house with my hood over my head in the rain, and imagined him sitting on my porch, waiting for me, waiting to explain why he’s been MIA. I wanted him to know while he’s been gone it’s been raining. I don’t know what this means. I don’t know if I’m in love with him all over again or if it means anything, because this happened before twice: Before school started and when he didn’t come to school for like four days and I had to face the weekend not seeing him. Those times I was relieved when I saw him, but I was also scared, and eventually it went right back to him annoying me with something he did or someone he flirted with. I’m not trying to go back there, but my heart is where it is. And it’s not with Taco whose real name is Scott( hence the Scottland post from a couple days ago ). A few minutes ago I even went outside to get some cold fresh air. Finally the winter air came in handy. I stood there for a couple seconds looking up and down my quiet blackened street, then I sat in one of the light green plastic chairs and continued to stare. It took all I had not to let out my gasps and sobs, I just sat there enjoying what the winter air had for me. I’m going to go back to listening to Cold Desert by Kings of Leon and trying not empty my stomach.

      Night

You’ll See. . .

Caught in an emotional moment, I started crying. These thoughts and feelings poured out of me:

Being in love is great, but it’s also horrible. You can never be sure of what’s going to happen to your heart. Being that I’ve had mine broken twice. . .Well, more than twice, but by the two same guys, I’m not willing to risk all those sad moments for all the happy ones. I just can’t.

With that being said, I’m relieved to say that I will never go back to  Drew for as long as I live. He’s not the one for me, no matter how much he smiles at me, or flirts with me, or laughs at all of my tendencies, or makes me jealous even when he’s not trying to. Or how much he makes me hate him or how much he makes me love him.

I’m done.

But that doesn’t mean I’m heading down a one lane “Taco Bypass”. I’m not, I’m just trying to reestablish my standards. Not to say that T isn’t good enough, he is, but just not for me.

See, I’m from 95% All black neighborhoods, and kids swearing and calling each other “Nigga’s” everyday of my life since I can remember, and teenage girls smoking weed with their moms and getting pregnant. All of that surrounds me, but I’m not in it.(Literally, I don’t live in the projects, but I live behind it, or in front of it, depends on where you’re standing)I’m in a straight path to follow my dreams and deserve better than what my current world has to offer.

So, I’m taking it day by day, hoping that my time will come when I get my Prince Charming(James, lol)and leave behind my old, dusty broom.

Everything will fall in place. You’ll see.

(Gossip Girl gave me some insight, how pathetic does that sound, Winking smile

Lunch Crowd

Everyday at lunch I got to the library to read and goof off with my friends. Well, I knew one guy from lunch last year, he had a friend, “Taco” he knew and we became a group, and my other guy friend and this girl who I’ve known since my Buford Days. We’ve become the regular lunch time crowd. This is how it goes down, “Caela” and I walk down the stairs near the library together, I sign both of our names on the list every time, because I insist on being the first one through the door and to the sign up sheet, we sashay in and sit down on the black leathered , therapist style couch. We talk, I read on and off, sometimes not at all. Sometimes “J” is there, sometimes not. The wait isn’t long before “Taco” and “Foreign quaff hair boy” waltz in like they know what we’re thinking: About US

Which is exactly the case. C likes FQHB, who told me he didn’t like her, but from the looks off things I think he might of’ve sparked an interest lately. Sometimes they seem a little too cozy. Meanwhile, I have my eye on T.Part of me knows he doesn’t like me the way I like him, but he makes me laugh.

From a friend, “It’s impossible not to like a guy that makes you laugh all the time.”

While I agree with that, I’m trying not to go there.But it felt so good to like someone again. To get all excited to see them and laugh with them and stare at them. It felt so good to want someone fresh and new. Speaking of D hasn’t been to school lately. I’m not complaining, but it’s been boring without his constant flirting and mixed signals . . . I’m so not going there again, but it’s fun to play with your puppets, right?

Anyway, back to T. I’m not going to risk making our Library Crowd awkward by dating T and then it ending badly. It’s not worth the risk. I can see it now: Us dating, everything’s fine, then I get distant and scared and break it off. SPLIT! There’s a divide between the LC Gals & Guys! Everyone prepare for the worse. Take cover. Try to avoid flying emotions as well as flying objects. I hear C can pack a punch!

 

Better news

Just got the good news, well not good, but it’s better than what I thought. Turns out that the girl , still can’t remember her name, that Drew gave the necklace to has a boyfriend that I know and their happy. Still doesn’t explain why Drew felt the need to give it to her. Did he think it would make me jealous? Well, it worked. He wasn’t at school today.

Today was one of the most loneliest days of my life.

I missed him like crazy, and I have to wait until Monday to see him and then there’s Tuesday, but then I have like a week of not seeing him. What am I suppose to do over that time? I know for a fact that what I feel for him is love, because I have that gut feeling that’s longing to be near him. I can’t seem to stay mad at him for long. When I think of happiness it’s with him. When I picture the perfect night ending it’s us sharing our first kiss. Something light and sweet. Something rememberable.

Is it so wrong to want someone better?

ShiftySO, my friend who has liked me for who knows how long has continuously flirted with two of my best friends in front of me has more or less put me through hell since school started. He tells me he likes me last year and flirted with me nonstop, but I was still getting over my last heartbreak to respond fully. This past summer I realized that he meant a lot to me. Whenever I felt bad he’d make me laugh. Whenever I’d feel fat and ugly he’d make me feel beautiful. Ever since school started   I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster with him, only he doesn’t know it. See, I have this thing that if I like a guy I don’t want him to I like him and you wouldn’t even know I like him if I didn’t tell you, but with this guy it’s different. I can’t help how I feel about him. You’re probably asking yourself what’s the problem with this chick. Well, here it is. That heartbreak I mentioned earlier was my first real one and I didn’t actually date the guy, but he did break my heart, resulting in my inability to be in a relationship. I haven’t had a relationship since the end of freshman year(HS)and I’m a junior(HS) now. Sad, right? Why can’t I get over that one thing that happened such a long time ago? Here’s the reason: I’m scared. I don’t want to get my heartbroken and my friend was the one that ultimately helped me realize that I was beautiful the way I am, even though he doesn’t know this. Skipping to the part that led me to write this: I was going to invite him over to watch the Pretty Little Liars marathon and have dinner. I was so excited and happy, because I was trying to become closer to him in a friendly way. Even though we’ve known each other, and rode the bus together since the fifth grade, we really didn’t know each other all that well. We were going to be best friends first, then fall in love, then…We were suppose to discover music together and make goofy videos and post them on YouTube. We were suppose to take it slow. That Wednesday was going to let all that happen. NO! WE DIDN’T EVEN GET TO THAT PART! I guess this was meant to be taken as a sign that I shouldn’t be with him or, at least, not yet. The very day I was going to ask him if he wanted to come over he showed up at the bus stop high. That’s a big no no in my book. Everything I thought he was a lie. I felt betrayed. The one guy that I could imagine my life with was nothing but a joke. That day I avoided him like the plague. Being that we have three classes together everyday doesn’t help. How could he do this to me? To us? But there really wasn’t an us, not anymore. He threw it away with his future. All day I was hoping that it was a lie, wishing that I imagined it all. Sadly, no. It was confirmed right before the bus pulled to my stop that he was indeed high earlier. He looked at me and shook his head, like he was proud of it. Could he not see in my eyes that I was hurt? That I loved him? When I walked down the isle to get off the  bus he touched me and said bye. I shied away and told him not to talk to me. That day a piece of my died. All weekend I kept thinking that maybe I should talk to him and apologize, then I got to school, sticking it out for another week, planning on telling him why I wasn’t talking to him if wasn’t clear about why, until Kimberly told me she asked him where I was and he said he didn’t know and didn’t care. Everything I was suppressing at that moment wanted to come crashing out of me, but I wouldn’t let it, after all we were waiting for the buses and there was people around. He could not see me crying, I wouldn’t let him.Skipping forward to this week, he who shall not be named ever   hasn’t been at school four like four days this week, and at first I had to admit it felt good not to see him sitting right next to me in all of our classes and see how much he’s changed(he’s become a dick)and even Kimberly sees it. With a new wardrobe came a new confidence that totally makes me want to punch him in his nonexistent privates. But since yesterday I’ve been missing him terribly and I can’t help how I feel, I want him back. I want my Drew back(oops). I’ll never have him. I just have to get over that and move on, because I deserve better,