You’ll See. . .

Caught in an emotional moment, I started crying. These thoughts and feelings poured out of me:

Being in love is great, but it’s also horrible. You can never be sure of what’s going to happen to your heart. Being that I’ve had mine broken twice. . .Well, more than twice, but by the two same guys, I’m not willing to risk all those sad moments for all the happy ones. I just can’t.

With that being said, I’m relieved to say that I will never go back to  Drew for as long as I live. He’s not the one for me, no matter how much he smiles at me, or flirts with me, or laughs at all of my tendencies, or makes me jealous even when he’s not trying to. Or how much he makes me hate him or how much he makes me love him.

I’m done.

But that doesn’t mean I’m heading down a one lane “Taco Bypass”. I’m not, I’m just trying to reestablish my standards. Not to say that T isn’t good enough, he is, but just not for me.

See, I’m from 95% All black neighborhoods, and kids swearing and calling each other “Nigga’s” everyday of my life since I can remember, and teenage girls smoking weed with their moms and getting pregnant. All of that surrounds me, but I’m not in it.(Literally, I don’t live in the projects, but I live behind it, or in front of it, depends on where you’re standing)I’m in a straight path to follow my dreams and deserve better than what my current world has to offer.

So, I’m taking it day by day, hoping that my time will come when I get my Prince Charming(James, lol)and leave behind my old, dusty broom.

Everything will fall in place. You’ll see.

(Gossip Girl gave me some insight, how pathetic does that sound, Winking smile

Lunch Crowd

Everyday at lunch I got to the library to read and goof off with my friends. Well, I knew one guy from lunch last year, he had a friend, “Taco” he knew and we became a group, and my other guy friend and this girl who I’ve known since my Buford Days. We’ve become the regular lunch time crowd. This is how it goes down, “Caela” and I walk down the stairs near the library together, I sign both of our names on the list every time, because I insist on being the first one through the door and to the sign up sheet, we sashay in and sit down on the black leathered , therapist style couch. We talk, I read on and off, sometimes not at all. Sometimes “J” is there, sometimes not. The wait isn’t long before “Taco” and “Foreign quaff hair boy” waltz in like they know what we’re thinking: About US

Which is exactly the case. C likes FQHB, who told me he didn’t like her, but from the looks off things I think he might of’ve sparked an interest lately. Sometimes they seem a little too cozy. Meanwhile, I have my eye on T.Part of me knows he doesn’t like me the way I like him, but he makes me laugh.

From a friend, “It’s impossible not to like a guy that makes you laugh all the time.”

While I agree with that, I’m trying not to go there.But it felt so good to like someone again. To get all excited to see them and laugh with them and stare at them. It felt so good to want someone fresh and new. Speaking of D hasn’t been to school lately. I’m not complaining, but it’s been boring without his constant flirting and mixed signals . . . I’m so not going there again, but it’s fun to play with your puppets, right?

Anyway, back to T. I’m not going to risk making our Library Crowd awkward by dating T and then it ending badly. It’s not worth the risk. I can see it now: Us dating, everything’s fine, then I get distant and scared and break it off. SPLIT! There’s a divide between the LC Gals & Guys! Everyone prepare for the worse. Take cover. Try to avoid flying emotions as well as flying objects. I hear C can pack a punch!

 

Is it so wrong to want someone better?

ShiftySO, my friend who has liked me for who knows how long has continuously flirted with two of my best friends in front of me has more or less put me through hell since school started. He tells me he likes me last year and flirted with me nonstop, but I was still getting over my last heartbreak to respond fully. This past summer I realized that he meant a lot to me. Whenever I felt bad he’d make me laugh. Whenever I’d feel fat and ugly he’d make me feel beautiful. Ever since school started   I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster with him, only he doesn’t know it. See, I have this thing that if I like a guy I don’t want him to I like him and you wouldn’t even know I like him if I didn’t tell you, but with this guy it’s different. I can’t help how I feel about him. You’re probably asking yourself what’s the problem with this chick. Well, here it is. That heartbreak I mentioned earlier was my first real one and I didn’t actually date the guy, but he did break my heart, resulting in my inability to be in a relationship. I haven’t had a relationship since the end of freshman year(HS)and I’m a junior(HS) now. Sad, right? Why can’t I get over that one thing that happened such a long time ago? Here’s the reason: I’m scared. I don’t want to get my heartbroken and my friend was the one that ultimately helped me realize that I was beautiful the way I am, even though he doesn’t know this. Skipping to the part that led me to write this: I was going to invite him over to watch the Pretty Little Liars marathon and have dinner. I was so excited and happy, because I was trying to become closer to him in a friendly way. Even though we’ve known each other, and rode the bus together since the fifth grade, we really didn’t know each other all that well. We were going to be best friends first, then fall in love, then…We were suppose to discover music together and make goofy videos and post them on YouTube. We were suppose to take it slow. That Wednesday was going to let all that happen. NO! WE DIDN’T EVEN GET TO THAT PART! I guess this was meant to be taken as a sign that I shouldn’t be with him or, at least, not yet. The very day I was going to ask him if he wanted to come over he showed up at the bus stop high. That’s a big no no in my book. Everything I thought he was a lie. I felt betrayed. The one guy that I could imagine my life with was nothing but a joke. That day I avoided him like the plague. Being that we have three classes together everyday doesn’t help. How could he do this to me? To us? But there really wasn’t an us, not anymore. He threw it away with his future. All day I was hoping that it was a lie, wishing that I imagined it all. Sadly, no. It was confirmed right before the bus pulled to my stop that he was indeed high earlier. He looked at me and shook his head, like he was proud of it. Could he not see in my eyes that I was hurt? That I loved him? When I walked down the isle to get off the  bus he touched me and said bye. I shied away and told him not to talk to me. That day a piece of my died. All weekend I kept thinking that maybe I should talk to him and apologize, then I got to school, sticking it out for another week, planning on telling him why I wasn’t talking to him if wasn’t clear about why, until Kimberly told me she asked him where I was and he said he didn’t know and didn’t care. Everything I was suppressing at that moment wanted to come crashing out of me, but I wouldn’t let it, after all we were waiting for the buses and there was people around. He could not see me crying, I wouldn’t let him.Skipping forward to this week, he who shall not be named ever   hasn’t been at school four like four days this week, and at first I had to admit it felt good not to see him sitting right next to me in all of our classes and see how much he’s changed(he’s become a dick)and even Kimberly sees it. With a new wardrobe came a new confidence that totally makes me want to punch him in his nonexistent privates. But since yesterday I’ve been missing him terribly and I can’t help how I feel, I want him back. I want my Drew back(oops). I’ll never have him. I just have to get over that and move on, because I deserve better,