August 28, 2012

If I could believe in God, then why not believe in his signs to guide you? Last night I had a dream involving one of the guys from my past, one that was really weird and not at all romantic. Tight before I started writing this I see his name somewhere and think: Is that from God? (lol)…

 

August 27, 2012 Tuesday NIGHT

Maybe doing this religiously will help me get closer to GOD, maybe it’ll count as a prayer! Maybe not…

I’m hoping  that A.M. will come back soon, and hopefully move up here, because I really like her. She’s like blood to me. I’d do anything for her and I feel that she’d do anything for me…

That guy…I saw him in the hallway on my way to the class we have together…I wanted to say hi, but I thought I should just walk right past like I don’t see him, like I’m really trying to get to class…And I did. I can never tell if he looks at me in class or not, because I try not to glance at him too often. I just don’t want to gawk, but he’s making hard not to. He’s just too hot! Blonde hair, green eyes, tight bod! Nikki agrees with me! If I can’t anything more than a friendship form him that’s okay, I’d rather have that because that way our feelings are mutual and will last, plus they’d be true. He’d never go for me plus this is safer…

: Blonde or Dark brown hair, blue or green eyes, black/gray/blue attire. Happy, funny, and chill.

August 26, 2012 Sunday AFTERnoon – First Diary Entry

Here I am, writing on the second page first. The first page always feels weird. You can never really get the page to stay how you want it, so you can properly spill out your feelings on the page…

This is not my first diary, and probably won’t be my last, but I’m going to try and make this one count the most…

After listening to the Civil Wars tantalizing melodies and harmonies, I feel light as a feather-which I’m allergic to-falling with a soulful heart and mind…Someone very special gave you to me, and I intend to use it everyday, so I can see my progress…or not…

I’m looking for this guy…He’s tall, soulful, and handsome. His smile reaches his eyes with honesty and happiness. His heart and intentions are pure. He’s trustworthy and dependent on the fact that I’m the same as him. He’s looking for me too…He’s looking for me too…

: Black/Dark brown hair, blue eyes, Caucasian, handsome. May be brooding, but not dark and tortured. Simple and sweet, and has eyes only for me.

Aside

New Beginnings

Maybe there’s too much to say…maybe that’s why I haven’t wrote anything in over two months. Since he left I lost my urge to write down what I was feeling. Instead everything got bottled up inside , and I feel as if I’m teetering over the edge, but before I fall I catch myself.

Maybe I shouldn’t write any of this down and forget that I even have a blog. It wouldn’t be too hard. I did abandon it over my diary last year anyway. OR maybe I’ll tell you the whole story of how things happened.

Gut Instincts

It’s been a while since I’ve wrote, there’s a lot to say( I guess ).

First off, I’m not sure if I told you that I was finally done with Drew, but I am. Whenever I think maybe we could work I remember the small things I don’t like about him and move on. I found out why he’d been missing so much school, it wasn’t because he didn’t feel like coming or didn’t care( besides skipping Math ), his knee’s been bothering him and he had to keep going to doctor’s appointments. I have proof of this because I saw him sitting outside his house when we rode through his neighborhood, there was an ace bandage on his right knee while eating chips or something and playing with some mixed kids. He shaved his head, which I find weird, but to each is own( Is that how it goes? ) I’ve finally let all my feelings for him go, and I’ve realized that it was my fault that  things played out the w ay they did. I put my everything into loving him over the course of two years and we only dated for three days! I need to stop getting so serious about the guys I like, it only leads to broken hearts and sleepless nights…

I’m not sure why but I had a dream last week that had all the guys I liked starting from Han on up( Drew,  Luke( not sure how I feel about that), some random black guy, then Carson) All of which that’s been confusing me. In the same night I had two different settings in my dream that involved Han, and I do not like him at all anymore, but having that dream confused the hell out of me. Why would I dream about the guys I used to and currently like? Carson has been a reoccurring crush, whenever I see him I get happy. I mean, he’s a really nice guy, he’s sweet, super smart. One of those boys that would be classified as “Preppy” but really isn’t. I had Creative Writing with him last year and it just manifested, of course he doesn’t know I like him, but there’s no need in telling him. He’s a senior, I’m a junior, plus he would never like me. I’m not his type. I’m black, and ordinary, slightly fat with acne, meanwhile he’s got preppy blonde girls that shop at Anthropologie. It just seems impossible that anything good would come out of telling him I like him. There was this one day where I got my hair done and it was done, but curled and I had a preppy sweater, skinny jeans, and black boots on when we were all in little groups and he was in my group, but so was his girlfriend( not sure if they were dating at the time ), and I said something to one of his friends about his character and he looked at me and looked at me. I didn’t know what to say or do after that. I didn’t know if he was looking at my new hairstyle or thinking about what I said, but he looked at me and it’s haunted me ever since. Also, when the class passed around our literary magazine with all our published pieces in it, he signed mine weirdly. I can’t remember what he wrote, but it was profound and I couldn’t help but think there was hidden meaning behind it. Then I thought that since we were all in a giant circle, maybe he didn’t know it was mine and  just put something random , and now I just thought that he might’ve know it was mine because our names were on the cover and maybe someone put my name in one of their messages, but maybe he didn’t know and there wasn’t any meaning behind it at all. Any who, I don’t know what that meant, or the dream. The dreams…I’ve dreamed about Carson three or four times and every time I have, we’ve talked a lot, and every time I wake up I get instantly sad because I realize it’s a dream and we don’t actually talk in class.

Oh, today me and my friend Kimberly got our eyebrows done at her sister’s job and we went to a Italian restaurant on the same street and this cute guy( he was a man ) was talking to her sister, he kept coming over to talk to us, and I thought he was cute from the getgo, he even touched my shoulder. He was white and bald, I didn’t catch his eye color, but I thought he was really cute. By the time we left he had disappeared, I figured he was in the back somewhere, but HELL NO! When we got outside I told them I thought the bald guy was really cute, and Kimberly was like the who? I was like THE BALD GUY and her sister said oh, you mean the guy right there? And he was sitting outside near where we were at another restaurant and heard us, and I was embarrassed as HELL! So we laughed it off and her sister went over there to talk to him for a minute and when we left she said he said “What’s up?” to me! I couldn’t stop smiling! He was so cute and the fact that he thought I was cute was enough to make me write this. But I am only 17, but I’m going to be 18 next month, so…And her sister knows him and it’s not like I don’t know where he works. I hope I get a relationship with this guy. He’s been what I’ve been looking for, a man, not some dumb high school boy. Gosh, he has really cute pink kips that looked so good!

 

Advice I’d take if I weren’t such a coward! When you meet someone new follow your gut instinct because you could miss out on a world of opportunities. ( I came up with this )

Bursting With Inspiration!

I’m not really sure where all this passion about changing the world and people’s lives came from, but as of lately it’s all I’m about, besides my writing and getting a job.

Anyway, over the last couple of months I’ve been wanting to start programs for teens during the summer to keep them out of trouble, like what I’m in except it won’t be school related, and I’ve been thinking about starting another program for teens who come from a rough background, maybe their homeless, maybe their abandoned, whatever the case may be I want to help them once I get my books of the ground and get some money going and further my career through connections. After all you can’t go anywhere without connections.

But there’s the natural passion that’s building up ever since I started having said panic attacks that I didn’t even know where panic attacks at the time. I would go to the bathroom, sit on top of the closed seat, open the window and let the chilly winter air help me breath again. It was so comforting, it helped clear my head and on more than one occasion I thought about taking a midnight stroll to further clear my head, but that’s pushing it.

I did that tonight and last night, and the night before that. The only differences being the change in the air, it’s Spring not Winter, so the air is not as calming as it use to be in my time of need. The last couple of days I’ve been going to the front door, unlocking both doors and step onto the front porch for a second, just to feel fresh air surround me and it’s amazing! It’s like my whole body can breath, and I’m just serene. When it rains, that’s the best part for me, I teeter towards the edge of the porch, offering my hands to the raindrops, and it becomes real. Everything bad goes away, the Earth’s cycle’s have taken over my soul ( apart from God ), and just made me feel so much lighter. A lot of the time I sit in the plastic green chairs, my barefoot feeling the blue carpet installed. All lights have been shut off in the early morning/late night, everyone’s asleep, and the street lights are on. A car or two may pass, not paying much attention to the weird girl sitting on the porch by herself after twelve in the morning. I look up and down the street, wondering if it’s possible someone is doing the same thing I’m doing, and if he is will he find me doing the same thing he is. Will we connect? Will we even meet?

I look up at the orangish-gold street lamp as the rain falls, I want so badly to step off the porch, but I can’t. I have no shoes on, I have no umbrella. The ground’s cold and wet, a puddle right under the drop. Maybe I want to step barefoot in that tiny puddle, so my feet would get wet and cold and look up at the dark sky as rain descends upon me. Maybe I’ll find peace there. Maybe I’ll look at the guy down the street and he’s doing the same thing, only looking at me. Maybe I’ll runaway with the guy down the street doing the same thing as me.

( Okay, that last part about the guy down the street was embellished, but it just came to me when I was writing, it sounded to right not to put down. I do wish their was a guy that would be there when I was contemplating taking a walk by myself, and I have written a little about that, and it’s pretty good, and I’m not being bias. The guy character seems more to me like a therapist/friend who you just met, but you can tell anything to, and when I feel like going to the window in the bathroom after midnight and going to the front porch I think about him. I wrote him when I was dating Drew and I was feeling really guilty, and it seemed to help, I just never had the characters talk about my relationship issues. Actually I can’t remember, I’ll post what I have tomorrow. Going to bed. )

Panic Attack

I don’t know what’s wrong with me: I can’t breath, I’m hyperventilating, I’m dizzy, I’m hopeless. What’s wrong with me?

There’s no way I can get over Drew. I’m hopeless with that department. I don’t know how to get over it, it’s just like how it felt when I was trying to make it work with Drew. It’s like I’m stuck in this tiny bubble.  A bubble named D R E W !

I loved him fiercely in my heart and soul but that wasn’t enough because in the end my body needed to be single.

As much as I want to kill Drew for being such an idiot for skipping class and not coming to school I can’t bring myself to physically hurt him because that would hurt me. Today we tested for the English multiple choice SOL and he didn’t even show! Like what dumbass planet are you living on right now that you don’t care about your grades and SOL’s? I really want to punch him in the face so hard for being a dumbass! UGH! It’s like how dare you treat the people that care about you, that love you like this? What I was thinking was there might be something going on at home, his mom’s not there, don’t know where his dad is, and he’s like living with his bitchy sister( his words ). I hope everything’s okay, but at the same time why didn’t he tell anybody, why not L( his girlfriend ), and I hope she would tell me. But if he doesn’t show up tomorrow for the writing SOL I’m punching him in the gut the next time I see him, and I’m dead serious!

Coming in second….

I haven’t wrote in two days and I know that because I haven’t seen Drew in two days.

Day one without him: it rained, and it was romantic rain. I waited at the bus stop for him but he never showed.

Oh, and earlier on the day before I came to the conclusion that I’m not going to let my relationship issues control me or my life, I’m getting over it.

Then came day two: which was today, it was breezy and sunny all day, it was perfect, and I wanted him to be there to experience it with me as friends.

The one reason my heart is pounding in my chest for is him not being there tomorrow. Partly because I get antsy when he’s not around, and he’s missing a lot of school and class, and I’m not giving up on him. He’s going to go to college. The first thing I’m going to do to him is punch him in the arm for being a dumbass. The second thing I want to do is hug him, but I’m not going to because that would confuse both of us, and it would hurt his girlfriend, whose my friend.

I just need him to be there for me.

Tomorrow, apparently, it’s suppose to be rainy and sunny, a mixture of both days. Whose knows what tomorrow will bring.

Anyway, the point of this post is because I was feeling like my best friend was putting her boyfriend before me. She does this all the time! She has a couple classes with him everyday including lunch when I have no classes with her and they hang out all the time and it’s like she can’t take one stupid day to hang out with me, we are best friends after all! I’m getting really sick and tired of feeling this way!

She told me that she got someone a ticket to the globetrotters thing and I stupidly thought it was me, but no! It’s Hunter! Like how you think that makes me feel? I just invited you to spend the night at my house and you say I think I have plans with Hunter and you bring that up right after. Like WTF?

Hard Decisions

I remember on Valentine’s Day Drew asked me if I still had feelings for him, and I said no, but then I meant, plus I knew how much it meant to L for him to say yes to be her boyfriend. Now, I’m not so sure what I feel. Today was just so easy, and I thought we’re good, we’re in a good place. Maybe I won’t ever be in love with him again, I’ll only love him like a brother. Then in math he wasn’t there again. Lately, he’s been skipping that class, and I’m not okay with that. This is out Junior year which means colleges are looking at this grades, and I happen to know he has a F in that class and I know he’s not passing a lot of them. The thing is that he’s really good a math, better than me even, so I’m not understanding why he’s skipping. And in History he’s always there, which is our next class, and we’re so light and breezy in that class, like there’s no awkwardness at all. That’s how it should be, but I have my moments when I think that if he was like this when we were dating, maybe we would’ve lasted, but that would be putting the blame on him.

On the way to last period we were walking down the hall like we always do and I told him he’s messing his life up, his future, and he joked that I’m his distraction and I got fake mad( lol ), then he said the one thing that I did not under any circumstances want to hear because he has a girlfriend who is my friend and I can’t go out with him because I can’t date anybody because I’m so freaking messed up! … anyway here is what he said, “You’re like a magnet. I’m drawn to you.” Okay, I admit that the second sentence may have been my imagination playing tricks on me, but I feel like he said that, but I know he said the first sentence. I’m standing there thinking SCREW U DREW! Don’t tell me these things! It only hurts me to hear them, then I have to act like I don’t like you and I know that hurts you and confuses you. So I said, “Fuck you!” in a joking tone, then we split ways. Awkward I know.

So I had a grammar test in Latin that I know I failed( funny story, before the test I wrote something on my hands, but it wasn’t answers and before the bell rung I put hand sanitizer on and she saw my hand and I think she thought I probably cheated, but I don’t think she’ll think that when she grades my test, lol )and it was basically all I could think about and when I got on the bus the only thing I could do was lay my head on my backpack and look out the window to keep from crying. One of my best friends always sits with me and she was playing Fruit Ninja on her Ipad so that helped, but low and behold Drew decides to sit in the row next to me. He asked me if I was okay, and I was surprised I could even turn and face him. I got the impression that he thought I was mad at him, which I wasn’t, but I guess it came off like that.

Tomorrow’s a new day, and I’ll see what it brings.